Unconditional Love 101
The term unconditional love is widely used all over social media. But do you actually understand what it means?
A lot of people don’t. In fact, a lot of people stay in unhealthy relationships because they think they are unconditionally loving the other person!
Before I get into details, let’s understand what unconditional love means!
Unconditional love is a skill set of loving others no matter what they do by loving yourself first!
This definition may raise many questions, like:
1- How can I love others no matter what? What if what they do is something I dislike or disagree with?
2- How can I love myself unconditionally even when I mess up? I’m afraid if I accept myself I won’t grow or learn…
Let me answer the 2nd question by breaking up the definition.
“Unconditional love is a skill set of loving”:
Rule of thumb, hating yourself or anyone never makes anything better. It just adds unnecessary suffering, and hinders any potential progress.
On the other hand, loving yourself or others, and acting from that space is more likely to encourage anyone to do better and be better.
Plus love feels so much better than hate. So why not choose it over hate and reap the benefits?
“Loving others no matter what”:
(Answering the 1st question)
Loving them no matter what they do or how they respond… They don’t need to change or become any “better” for you to love them unconditionally. This is what we call emotional adulthood, where you choose to love regardless. People usually blame their love or lack of love on other people’s behavior.
(If you want to free yourself from this emotional childhood perspective go to my “Emotional Childhood and Emotional Adulthood ” Blog to learn more.
Everyone is worthy of love by existence just like a baby … Anyone’s worth doesn’t decrease with age or actions…
Let’s separate these two… (Loving a person as a whole and having an opinion about their actions)
You can love someone without agreeing 100% on their choices.
You can love someone without trying to maintain the relationship at your own expense. (Without being a people pleaser)
And that is where the last part of the definition is crucial, yet mostly ignored.
“By loving yourself first”:
Unconditional love starts with you. It requires you to be honest with yourself, to speak your truth, and to be ok with it no matter what the consequences are.
Some people think that it is either you love yourself unconditionally, or you love them unconditionally. Please note that unconditional love is not equivalent to unconditional tolerance.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean loving someone at your own expense.
That is, actually, the opposite of loving yourself. You will know the difference by the way you feel. If you stay in a situation that you don’t want to stay in, or if you say “yes” to something that deep inside you wanted to say “no” to, (thinking this is how you show unconditional love), you are doing it wrong! When you don’t honor your needs and desires, you compromise your love for yourself for the sake of pleasing others!
“If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place!”
– Nat Lue
So unconditional love can look like,
“I love you, but NO”:
ex: “I love you, but I’m sorry, I won’t do it.”
“I love you, but I don’t want to continue with this friendship/ marriage.”
“I love you, but I don’t deserve/ accept this treatment and therefore I will leave.”
OR
“I love you, NO, BUT YES.”
ex: “I love you, I don’t feel like doing it, but yes I choose to do this out of love”.
So the next time you are with someone that you love or that is challenging for you to love, remember these 3 basic steps in any interaction:
Love yourself (to speak your truth and make a choice that serves you)
Love them (accept them as imperfect human beings that get to make choices in life)
Decide what to do from a loving space for ALL.
May your life be filled with Unconditional Love!
(Check my other blog “Boundaries 101” to honor your truth without manipulation)
