Emotional Childhood and Emotional Adulthood

Have you ever wished you were taught so many years ago how to avoid all the unnecessary drama in your relationships?

What I’m about to share today is one of those concepts. It benefited me tremendously in my personal life, and changed a whole lot in my relationships.

Ever since we were young kids, we got the message directly or indirectly from society that people’s behaviors affect our feelings... For instance, in schools, teachers encourage children to apologize for hurting someone else’s feelings.

As children, we don’t have the capacity to think of and analyze what we are told, let alone our own thoughts. Naturally, we grew up deeply programmed to this idea that others or certain situations affect how we feel. Even adults still operate from a child-like space when it comes to emotions… Blaming others or things for our feelings is universal!

What is emotional childhood?

It is the state of blaming external things for our internal feelings. (Blaming others/things for how we feel inside)

It is giving our power away, by not taking responsibility for how we feel and instead believing that this feeling is entirely caused by someone else.

In an attempt to reclaim that power back, we try to get instant gratification (feeling better now) by trying to control situations or people through reacting, yelling, screaming, and snapping. (These actions may seem powerful or beneficial from the outside, however, they miss the mark as they are coming from a powerless childish state.)

Another way to feel better is to control people by telling them what to do.

This reasonable instruction guide of expectations is what we call a Manual.

The only problem with manuals is that there is no guarantee that they will be followed according to our “right” standards…

Let me explain…

When you have a manual of how people should behave around you, one of three scenarios may happen.

1-People will not follow your manual at all which will keep you feeling disappointed.

2-People will try to follow your manual to please you, but may not do it according to your standards, which again will keep you disappointed.

3-People will successfully follow your manual to please you which may satisfy you temporarily. However, this will have you dependent on them to consistently comply with your expectations.

So as you can see, having a manual for others in order for you to feel better is unpredictable, and unsustainable as it may not work all the time. 

That realization blew my mind! In my personal life, I was handing my emotional status to my husband, kids, and even to the stranger at the grocery store!

I remember how I blamed my husband for feeling disconnected, frustrated, and sad when he didn’t call like I wanted him to when he was away.

I also felt overwhelmed and unappreciated, blaming my kids for their constant demands.

Even that stranger at the grocery store made me feel uncomfortable as he started using foul language in front of my kids.

I was acting from an emotional child state, as I was dependent on (people - circumstances) for my happiness and blaming them for my sadness!

An alternative way to approach relationships is from an emotional adulthood perspective.

Emotional adulthood is taking responsibility for how we feel.

It is the willingness to experience any emotion while acknowledging that it is coming from our thoughts.

So instead of blaming my husband, kids or stranger, I acknowledge that the reason I felt disconnected, overwhelmed and uncomfortable was because I thought they should have been more considerate and behaved differently.

Owning my feelings and my opinion of how the world should operate, with compassion, freed everyone around me from the blame of how they made me feel.

Instead of blaming, I request what I want without tying my emotions to whether others comply or not.

Fact of life, we can’t control people, but we can surely set healthy boundaries to care for ourselves in our relationships.    (More about that in the “Healthy boundaries 101” Blog)

With that said, this different approach will give you the delayed gratification (long-term goal) of preserving and nurturing your relationship with yourself and others.  

Here is what to do to be an emotional adult:

1-Drop your manual, (let others be who they are as they will do so anyway)

2-Acknowledge that your feelings are coming from your thoughts (don’t blame it on behaviors or situations)

3-Make requests of what you want without relying on them to make you feel a certain way.

To sum up,

Most people approach the world from an emotional childhood space, where they want situations or others to be a certain way so that they feel better. By default, people try to fill a void within themselves through things and others… This puts a lot of external dependency to fulfill inner desires which can lead to an unpredictable emotional status. In relationships, for instance, such dependencies can put a lot of strain and pressure on both sides which can lead to further built-up resentment. This ultimately compromises the quality of relationships in the long run.

The suggested approach, however, is to take care of our own needs and enjoy things and others as they are. Acknowledging that our feelings are caused by our thoughts (with compassion and without blame) is embodying an emotional adulthood state of mind. In relationships, requesting what we want and setting healthy boundaries, without tying our emotions to them being followed or not, is crucial for self-preservation.

Lastly, 

Please don’t be hard on yourself when you notice you are operating from an emotional childhood space after knowing all of this. 

I still do it from time to time when I’m not on top of my thoughts… But the difference between now and the older version is the choice of a better-empowered way to live.

Wondering how you can unconditionally love someone as an emotional adult? 

Check my “Unconditional love 101” Blog.