Boundaries 101
I’m sure you heard the advice of “having healthy boundaries” in your relationships, but:
What does that even mean?
How and when can I set them?
How do I know if I have a healthy boundary versus an unhealthy one?
These are the exact same questions I had when I first heard of boundaries, so let me simplify this concept from a coaching perspective.
A boundary is how you will behave in certain situations.
It is meant to honor you and your values out of love for yourself and others.
It is not meant to be a punishment, threat, or a source of manipulation or revenge.
For example:
You can have a boundary about:
Someone hitting you, by having it in your mind that, if that was to happen you would protect yourself by calling the cops.
Someone flaking on you, by stating that “If you don’t show up by 3 pm, I will move on to the next person in line”
Your kids finishing Homework on time, by saying “If you don’t finish your homework by 7 pm, I will not give you the Wi-Fi password today”
As shown in the previous examples, some boundaries can be spoken or unspoken and they can be either for you or others.
They should be for your own good and NOT against them. (Loving yourself and others)
They are about what you want to allow in your life and NOT about controlling other people’s behaviors.
Actually all that boundaries need is your full commitment to follow what you said.
It is never too late or too early to set a boundary.
You just decide the specifics of your response when a situation you dislike continues.
It may be uncomfortable to set them, especially if you are used to people-pleasing and sweeping things under the rug. But aren’t you already uncomfortable letting things slide against your desires and values?
You get to choose the discomfort you want to be in now, (either letting things stay as is or speaking up about your boundaries with a chance of change).
A misconception I hear a lot from my clients, who resist setting boundaries, is that they think it is rude or it contradicts loving their loved ones unconditionally.
WRONG!
You can love someone unconditionally and still set a boundary with them. You can take action for yourself while still loving them.
More about that in my “Unconditional Love” blog
Also there is no one boundary set in stone. You get to change or tweak it at different stages of your life to better serve you.
The only rule, which is set in stone about boundaries, is that you need to commit to following what you said you would do when needed.
In conclusion, a healthy boundary is a boundary that serves you and is not against others. It is based on love and is focused on your response versus others’ behaviors. It is never too late or too early to set a healthy boundary
Unhealthy boundaries are the exact opposite… They are revenge and hate-based, trying to control and manipulate others’ behavior to escape feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment.
Examples of unhealthy boundaries
“If you don’t take the trash out, I won’t make dinner”
“If you cheat on me, I will hurt you/ myself”
“If you go out, I am changing the locks”
So the next time you want to set a new boundary, here are some questions to go through to make sure you are on the right track.
What is driving me to make this boundary? What am I thinking and feeling now?
What am I trying to accomplish from this boundary? Is it serving me?
Is it coming out of love for me AND them at the same time?
Am I willing to follow my decision if the boundary is not met? Is it negotiable?
Remember these 3 points:
Healthy boundaries can be part of your self-care routine and can be used as a teaching tool for your kids on responsibilities and consequences. (As you model following through with your boundaries).
Don’t tie your emotions to a boundary that is being rejected or refused.
Take ownership of your needs by speaking up without blaming or shaming.
I hope this blog cleared the air on what a healthy boundary is and how it can be achieved.
To learn more about taking ownership of our feelings/ emotions when setting boundaries, check my blog about “Emotional Childhood and Emotional Adulthood”.
